We all experience self doubt from time to time – working for a new employer, a promotion, taking on a large project. The question of whether or not we are up to the task is something most people have asked themselves at least once. Indeed self-doubt can spurn us on to be better versions of ourselves – to practice our skills that much more, to do that much more research and to channel nervousness into positive energy. However if self-doubt becomes the modus operandi, it can become debilitating to a career. It is in our role as coach that we listen for the self-doubt that the client may not even realise is so pervasive.
I recently worked with a group of professional women at the networking group “Women in Technology” on speech skills. They were all moving into more senior positions where speaking publicly was increasingly vital. I asked them to do a 60 second impromptu speech on a favourite holiday spot. The exercise went well, and all got through their minute very credibly. Afterwards one of the women shyly raised her hand and asked “how can I be more self-confident and not nervous – the way everyone else was”. I smiled and looked at the group and asked who also felt nervous delivering their own speech. Her eyes widened in surprise as every hand was raised. We often assume we are the only one who is nervous or experiences self-doubt in key moments. The truth is that everyone goes through self-doubt – sometimes on a daily basis depending on the challenge at hand. They key is to not let self-doubt put you off attempting the task in the first place.
Make it work
• Ask the client to speak to mentors or colleagues they trust for their own moments of self-doubt – it can be reassuring to know it is normal and experienced by people you respect.
• What will help them feel more ready for the challenge at hand? Do they need to do more research, practice their presentation …what steps can they take to reduce the tension?
Fatal flaws
• Brushing it off with an “it will be fine” comment – it can minimise the challenge and make the client feel isolated.
• Saying “everyone gets nervous” – people are individuals and while they know logically that other people must experience uncertainty, digging deeper will be a better approach than perceived dismissal.
I was recently with a client who used a great deal of fatalistic language – “I never do well with that type of people” or “I always have a hard time making a good impression”. She was describing how she had recently been interviewed by a group of seven people for a new role. She explained rather dismissively that while the feedback was good from all interviewers and that she was being asked back for another round of interviews, she still hadn’t been able to highlight her relevant experience with a few of them in particular. During the explanation she said “I never do well with those types of people” I asked her who “those types of people” exactly were? She felt two of the interviewers seemed more concerned with showing off their own knowledge and connections in her industry, rather than hearing about her background. Based on the feedback she had received, I challenged her “How true is that you NEVER do well with that type of people?” We looked at the evidence she had received such positive feedback from all seven potential colleagues – including the two who had done all the talking themselves. When she described that all she did was listen to one particular man” show off”, we used humour to joke about the possibility that listening was all she needed to do to “do well with that type of person”. Because that interview hadn’t gone exactly the way she had planned, she assumed it was not a success for the other person, when clearly it was. She was able to look at what “good enough” was, to chip away at her self-doubt.
Make it work
• Look to the evidence – ask the client about other times when they felt self-doubt, and were able to overcome it to succeed. In managing it, what did they learn about themselves?
• Play around with the idea of someone they respect. Is it possible this person ever experienced self-doubt? How realistic is it that they got where they are without uncertainty?
• Biographies as a piece of homework can open the door to the weak moments in the career of someone the client admires.
Fatal flaws
• Forgetting to look to the “measurables” – what would it take to become even 10% more confident?
• Set the scene by making sure the client knows that the coaching is an investment in their potential, not evidence that someone else sees them as lacking in certain skills.
• Silencing your intuition when you feel a client could achieve more than their current vision. Coaching is self-directed, but often clients who experience self-doubt need to know that we believe in them first.
In my own career, I have worked through self-doubt many times. Before I wrote Beyond the Boys’ Club, my own coach pointed out she thought I had a book in me based on all the inspirational senior women I worked with paired with my own PhD research around women and success. My first thought? “Whatever would I write about?” My coach encouraged me, and sure enough a year and 90,000 words later – I realised I actually had quite a lot to share about the challenges faced by women working in traditionally male fields! I went through the same conundrum when I began to be asked to speak on these topics – “who would be interested in hearing me speak?” Now I routinely speak to large corporate audiences and hugely enjoy those interactions. In each case of self-doubt, it was my own coach who first planted the seed that I could be more than even I had imagined. What seed could you help plant?

“I’m phoning you to thank you for getting me my life back – I’m literally jumping for joy, pinching myself in disbelief – for over 15 years I have allowed myself to endure a relationship with my boss – I have felt talked down, talked over, disregarded and disrespected. Today I started to change that: I managed to walk into my boss’ office, look him in the eye and calmly and very resolutely asserted my opinions on a work problem that has been troubling me for months. And this is the amazing bit……he sat there, begrudgingly listened and agreed with them.”
As a coach I just sat there celebrating her re-connection with her personal power and sense of self worth.
I felt confident that what she had done made her life more productive, fun and enjoyable – it would have been good for her boss and his organisation.

For many of us speaking up for ourselves is a daunting task – difficult enough to do 1 to 1 but even harder when in a group or in front of other people. We can hear our voice tremble, experience our body shaking and feel our heart pounding and racing. So much easier to let the moment go by and stay quiet.

When we do, we are not the only ones who lose out. So do our colleagues, and the organisation. Everyone would benefit if we had the courage to take a deep breath, engage our mind and heart and say what we want.
We need to shift the energy from self protection and introspection to projection and engagement with our views.

Let’s look at two ways to reclaim our self esteem.

Beliefs
Some of us grew up in a generation where we were told ‘wants don’t get’ and ‘arguing and making your views known’ was frowned on. Such early imprinting can make us reluctant to stand up for our own needs and wants. You may have had the same experience?
We begin to believe conflict and standing up for yourself is not a good thing and when we do we feel guilty. And so we take on a belief that insidiously can ‘make us’ reluctant to stand up for ourselves and our views. Such beliefs are disempowering they prevent us from growing and developing and changing ‘our world’ in which we live from becoming more satisfying.

Make it work

o Ask your client: How they see the situation – What would it take to deal with standing up for yourself in a way that is successful? What would they need to believe about themselves? What would they have to believe about others?
o What are the disempowering beliefs? How would they change or reframe these to make them empowering, achievable, albeit challenging.
o Have there been occasions in the client’s past when they can recall standing up for themselves very successfully and the outcome was good for everyone?

o Can they access this occasion and recall how they did it and what did they believe at this time?
o Do they know anyone else who they would perceive as being very competent at stating their own views in a way that earns respect? What do these people believe about themselves and others and when you ask for their help and guidance what will they tell you?

Fatal flaws

o Beliefs that are empowering will enhance the individual and help bring about win win type outcomes. Beware of beliefs that may deliver a personal sense of power but may not bring about mutually beneficial outcomes, e.g. my views are worth stating in all situations (no matter what).
o When a belief is expressed or changed from a disempowering belief work with the client to have it stated in the positive not the negative. e.g. nothing is achieved by my staying quite and compliant.
o Check that holding this new belief has no detrimental effect on other parts of their life, e.g. the client may have been traditionally very quiet and now becomes vocal about everything and may not be discerning about when to speak and when to hold their peace.

Rights
The lack of ability to speak up may not be associated with deeper underlying beliefs but may be a product of muddled thinking about personal rights. At times we may have said either to our self or others, ‘have I got the right to do or say that’. Rights are something we are justly entitled to, do not have to ask others’ permission for and act as personal permission to say or do things. When we are clear about our rights we are more likely to make them come true, e.g. I have a Right to my own views and opinions; I have the right to express them openly and honestly; I have the right to ask questions if I am confused or don’t know.

Make it work

Help the client to indentify:

o The Rights they have in situations where they do not speak out – invite them to accumulate as many Rights as they can
o The benefits to themselves and to others when they mobilise these Rights
o The specific behaviours that support these rights.
o Ask the client to write these Rights down and repeat them as an act of affirmation. For many a curious magic occurs when the words are translated to paper.

Fatal flaws

o As Stephen Covey said, ‘when you pick up one end of the stick you also pick up the other end’. Every right has a responsibility. Where you observe a right for yourself and deny that same right to another you are likely to behave over the top and aggressive. Although this may indeed spur you on to speak where you haven’t before, the consequences may not be favourable but you will get noticed.

o You may have a Right in a situation to speak out or be heard but may chose not to act on it because of other sensitivities. Timing is a considerable inter personal gift – choosing the best moment to speak or to hold back.

o If you are unsure whether you have a Right in a particular situation, you always have the right to check it out with someone else rather than charge in and act foolishly.

Standing up for yourself is about finding the balance between your own needs and that of others. The moral for clients is to cherish themselves and others equally.

Suzanne & Conrad Potts- authors of Entitled to respect –

“I’m phoning you to thank you for getting me my life back – I’m literally jumping for joy, pinching myself in disbelief – for over 15 years I have allowed myself to endure a relationship with my boss – I have felt talked down, talked over, disregarded and disrespected. Today I started to change that: I managed to walk into my boss’ office, look him in the eye and calmly and very resolutely asserted my opinions on a work problem that has been troubling me for months. And this is the amazing bit……he sat there, begrudgingly listened and agreed with them.”
As a coach I just sat there celebrating her re-connection with her personal power and sense of self worth.
I felt confident that what she had done made her life more productive, fun and enjoyable – it would have been good for her boss and his organisation.

For many of us speaking up for ourselves is a daunting task – difficult enough to do 1 to 1 but even harder when in a group or in front of other people. We can hear our voice tremble, experience our body shaking and feel our heart pounding and racing. So much easier to let the moment go by and stay quiet.

When we do, we are not the only ones who lose out. So do our colleagues, and the organisation. Everyone would benefit if we had the courage to take a deep breath, engage our mind and heart and say what we want.
We need to shift the energy from self protection and introspection to projection and engagement with our views.

Let’s look at two ways to reclaim our self esteem.

Beliefs
Some of us grew up in a generation where we were told ‘wants don’t get’ and ‘arguing and making your views known’ was frowned on. Such early imprinting can make us reluctant to stand up for our own needs and wants. You may have had the same experience?
We begin to believe conflict and standing up for yourself is not a good thing and when we do we feel guilty. And so we take on a belief that insidiously can ‘make us’ reluctant to stand up for ourselves and our views. Such beliefs are disempowering they prevent us from growing and developing and changing ‘our world’ in which we live from becoming more satisfying.

Make it work

o Ask your client: How they see the situation – What would it take to deal with standing up for yourself in a way that is successful? What would they need to believe about themselves? What would they have to believe about others?
o What are the disempowering beliefs? How would they change or reframe these to make them empowering, achievable, albeit challenging.
o Have there been occasions in the client’s past when they can recall standing up for themselves very successfully and the outcome was good for everyone?

o Can they access this occasion and recall how they did it and what did they believe at this time?
o Do they know anyone else who they would perceive as being very competent at stating their own views in a way that earns respect? What do these people believe about themselves and others and when you ask for their help and guidance what will they tell you?

Fatal flaws

o Beliefs that are empowering will enhance the individual and help bring about win win type outcomes. Beware of beliefs that may deliver a personal sense of power but may not bring about mutually beneficial outcomes, e.g. my views are worth stating in all situations (no matter what).
o When a belief is expressed or changed from a disempowering belief work with the client to have it stated in the positive not the negative. e.g. nothing is achieved by my staying quite and compliant.
o Check that holding this new belief has no detrimental effect on other parts of their life, e.g. the client may have been traditionally very quiet and now becomes vocal about everything and may not be discerning about when to speak and when to hold their peace.

Rights
The lack of ability to speak up may not be associated with deeper underlying beliefs but may be a product of muddled thinking about personal rights. At times we may have said either to our self or others, ‘have I got the right to do or say that’. Rights are something we are justly entitled to, do not have to ask others’ permission for and act as personal permission to say or do things. When we are clear about our rights we are more likely to make them come true, e.g. I have a Right to my own views and opinions; I have the right to express them openly and honestly; I have the right to ask questions if I am confused or don’t know.

Make it work

Help the client to indentify:

o The Rights they have in situations where they do not speak out – invite them to accumulate as many Rights as they can
o The benefits to themselves and to others when they mobilise these Rights
o The specific behaviours that support these rights.
o Ask the client to write these Rights down and repeat them as an act of affirmation. For many a curious magic occurs when the words are translated to paper.

Fatal flaws

o As Stephen Covey said, ‘when you pick up one end of the stick you also pick up the other end’. Every right has a responsibility. Where you observe a right for yourself and deny that same right to another you are likely to behave over the top and aggressive. Although this may indeed spur you on to speak where you haven’t before, the consequences may not be favourable but you will get noticed.

o You may have a Right in a situation to speak out or be heard but may chose not to act on it because of other sensitivities. Timing is a considerable inter personal gift – choosing the best moment to speak or to hold back.

o If you are unsure whether you have a Right in a particular situation, you always have the right to check it out with someone else rather than charge in and act foolishly.

Standing up for yourself is about finding the balance between your own needs and that of others. The moral for clients is to cherish themselves and others equally.

Suzanne & Conrad Potts- authors of Entitled to respect –

Treating people with respect is empowering.
When people know that they will be given credit for their ideas and that sensitive information they share will be kept confidential, they are more inclined to discuss their creative ideas, personal goals and concerns.

Whether you are in a position of authority or not…..

Whether you are in apposition of authority or not, personal respect is important to all of us. Respect is an interpersonal experience. When it is present it is like a room full of oxygen allowing you to breathe and live. It is the behaviour of not only leaders in the organisation but we are all responsible for determining the level and amount of respect.
Leaders within an organization cannot expect respect from their employees solely because of their status or position. Respect is something you earn not by talking about and having high ideals but by behaving in a way that demonstrates it.
Leaders because of their positional power have extra accountability for creating a climate of respect.. If you are a manger/leader you might consider that not everyone will like you or love you but everyone can respect you – and that may be a far greater accolade.

We can all demonstrate respect with simple, yet powerful actions. It is free to the organisation and everyone in it. It is the little things, which add up, that help earn and maintain respect.
1. Know who you are – a consistent sense of purpose
In order to respect others you need first to respect your self and what you stand for. Are you known as someone who is positive and enjoyable to be around or generally avoided and left alone because you invariably see the bad in most situations and people?
Are you seen as someone who takes initiatives and responsibility rather then bemoaning what is not right or not happening but has no suggestions or ideas of how to put it right?
Giving respect doesn’t require you to be a paragon of virtue but your values have to be lived and be consistent through good and bad times. We all know who our friends are in good times but it’s the bad times that establish who are fair weather friends and who are not. People don’t respect someone who is like a reed in the wind, chopping and changing when the wind blows. You need to be consistent and persistent in who you are and what you stand for. What is your sense of purpose and values?
2. Communicate and tell the truth
Being dishonest is the easiest way to lose respect. If you don’t know the answer, say so. If you have a tough question, ask it. If you say you’re going to do something, do it, or provide an update as to why you can’t. It is the little things, which add up, that help earn and maintain respect.
Demonstrate basic honesty and keep to your values. A person of character is respected because they do the right thing by you even though they are not obligated in some way to do so.
Keep confidences but do not keep harmful secrets or hidden agendas that isolate and alienate your colleagues or staff. Share information openly and others will open up to you. We seem to withhold information from people who seem to withhold information from us.
Keep your promises or don’t promise at all. This is important not only in the sense of telling the truth but of managing other’s expectations. Sometimes we may allow these expectations to grow unchallenged because it suits us to do so. However, the inevitable disappointment if they are not realised leads to, disenchantment, resentment and a loss of respect.
Learn to say no assertively so people know where you stand, what you are willing and not willing to do, how much you can help them and how much they need to help themselves. Negotiate not my way or your way but a better way. If you live without boundaries anything will do. And so what do you stand for?
As a leader
o share good and bad information alike. There may be times, far less than you think, when you can’t share information but say so and give reasons. If you withhold information, respect deteriorates and is invariably seen as patronising, slippery and causes resentment. People are not fools – they probably sense the truth anyway.
o a way for people to get to know you as human being is to share good and bad information about yourself – they will probably warm to you and feel you are real.
o encourage an open door policy so that your staff can talk to you about issues and concerns and gives them the opportunity to understand you and how you think.
3. Be competent in your job
Nothing sells quite like success and being competent at what you do is proof that you can be trusted and respected – develop your talent and skills. We all put faith in people who display confidence and expertise in doing their job.. We allow ourselves to be influenced by them as they have consistently proved they know what they are talking about and what they do. We listen to them, give them space and time and we think of them as experts. They in turn feel good about themselves and are rewarded by the recognition we give.
Take the initiative to excel in your job whether your company supports your efforts or not. Remember few people will deny you help if you ask for it respectfully. Don’t be backward in coming forward – whose life is it anyway?
If you are a manager, you will have spent years developing your competency in your specific trade or discipline. Now is the time to develop your competency in your ability to manage! It may have taken 5 years plus to master your trade, why would it not take a similar timescale and journey to become a better leader? Staff rarely put their confidence in incompetent managers, even if those managers are fair and caring.
As a leader
o develop the talent and skills of your staff – be interested in their growth and maturity as individuals. Encourage them to take and give responsibility. Challenge those who want to be challenged with stretching goals and make people accountable for their results and actions.
o remove uncertainty and ambiguity when you communicate clearly what you expect from your staff – use SMART objectives to identify success and build self confidence in their achievements.
o a key barometer of how competent you are as a manager is how and when you face up to difficult decisions and situations, poor performance or conflict between individuals or teams. Confronting these difficult situations takes honesty, openness, and courage, but it will ultimately bring respect and people closer together. Confronting issues early when they are mole hills prevent them from becoming mountains.
4. Demonstrate you value yourself and others
We are not units of production. We are individuals with our own unique, idiosyncratic foibles and charms. We are social animals who crave recognition and want to be noticed. All of us can praise the good we see in others and give constructive feedback in ways that are helpful for those things we do not do so well. Indeed, it’s unlikely that our views are respected or admired for only giving praise or for only being critical. Our credibility is measured by being able to do both.
Praise much more frequently than you criticise. We are quick to notice fault but slow to praise. Most of what we do is done well and goes unnoticed. What we do wrong is discussed in detail. So seed a work place where you celebrate what people do well. See the greatness in those around you and others will warm to you. You might also remember your boss is human too.
Maintain the simple courtesies of life: never insult people, name call, put down their ideas or criticise them in public.
Listen to what others have to say before expressing your own views – seek first to understand and then be understood. Testing your understanding of what people have said is an effective way to show that you have listened and understood. Refrain from speaking over, butting in or finishing other peoples’ sentences.
As a leader
o encourage others to give their opinions and ideas before giving your own. Use people ideas and give them the credit for their initiatives and good work. Communicate this to others so that also can value the work. Allow those people who think of the initiatives to implement their suggestions.
o be loyal to your staff and through your actions show that you are willing to protect and defend them when they make mistakes. This is particularly relevant when they are learning or trying something new or innovative or going through periods of disruption and change. Walk the extra mile for your people. Defend them when necessary and represent them with vigour and commitment when you are representing their views to those higher up the food chain.
o empower your staff to take on greater responsibility and give them the authority and resources to succeed. Standing still really means falling behind.
o delegate aspects of the job that will develop your staff’s as opposed to delegating jobs you don’t like or are tedious to do. Delegation requires a great deal of trust and respect and is not an end in itself but a process to greater achievement. If you are not able to delegate the whole task select elements that can be tackled first and gradually start coaching them. Agree monitoring points so that you are able to praise and reward their effort and correct mistakes before they become a problem.
5. Do as you would be done by and treat others as equals
It is understandable that we may like some people more than others. But each person whether we like them or not deserve the same degree of respect. Treat people with courtesy, politeness and kindness who ever they may be, the CEO or the Office Junior.
As a leader
o manage your time and others time in equal measure of importance. Conduct meetings that have an agenda and objectives. Manage the time as if it were precious and set time limits. Focus on achievement, effective communication and time management.
o be a role model for turning up on time no matter whose meeting or problem solving discussion it is.
o make decisions that are fair and consistent and have no favouritism.
In conclusion
As the Beatles sang: money can’t be me love and neither can it buy respect. You can’t buy it and you can’t demand it, but when you have it you can do anything.

Jack now faced his staff at their Monday morning meeting and decided to ask his “clients” what they needed from him to earn their respect and perform at their maximum.

He took notes and after the meeting mused thoughtfully over what he had written.

Shocked but inspired by their honesty and forthrightness Jack realised there were a number of practical actions he could take. Some were with regard to the relationship, treating them as valued people and not just units of production; and other actions more associated with achieving high performance and the actual job they do.

He noted what they had said and then wrote down what he could do to fulfil these expectations.

1. Show me you value me as a person as well as valuing what I do.

√ Individuals are unique and I need to get to know them in their own individualistic and idiosyncratic way.
 Find time to periodically chat by the coffee machine/water cooler to know more about my staff as individuals, without prying intrusively into their personal life.
 Find out how they feel about their job, what do they like/dislike about what they do.
 Listen more whole heartedly to their opinions and views and show them that I have understood what they have said.
 Ask a lot more questions instead of invariably telling them what and how to do things. This way I can show that I value their ideas and believe in their ability to resolve problems and take on responsibility.
 Demonstrate that their views do count by taking on board suggestions etc or letting them know if I don’t agree or can’t go along with what they are saying.
 Keep my promises to them and do not agree to anything I don’t believe I can deliver.
 Apply the ideas of win win – there is something in it for everyone in everything we do. An enormous win for all of us would be to treat each other as valuable individuals, all worthy of respect.

2. Let me know I can trust what you say whether the news is good or bad:

√ Create a culture where I praise individuals and also confront issues of poor performance early when it arises so it does not grow into a big issue.
√ Trust comes from within first. In order to be positive about others I need first to be positive about myself.
√ My staff notice what I do. They notice when I walk in the morning how I am and this sets the tone for the day. I can choose how I start the day.
√ Most of my staff do their work without error and mistakes and I can take time out to compliment them on this. Staff give you more of what you genuinely praise, feel better about themselves and enjoy what they doing.
√ I need to focus on describing what people are doing or not doing that causes me and others to appreciate their work and less evaluation and judgement, such as ‘that was well done’ or ‘that wasn’t done very accurately’.
3. Let me know that you have my best interests at heart.

4. Let me know what is expected of me at work and be as clear as you can. When I fully understand I can release all my talent and motivation to succeed and enjoy what I am doing.

 Give greater thought to clarify what I want, who needs more definition and who less when asking people to achieve tasks – SMART objectives and target setting will help highlight what success looks like and give greater certainty of definition for those who need it most.
 What motivates me doesn’t necessarily motivate others, each of us has an individual motivational finger print
 More regular updates with my staff to see how they are doing and whether they need any support – also an opportunity to recognise their efforts for work they have completed so far

5. Let me know how I am doing and review my progress. Give me praise and recognition and give me your guidance when I need to change what I am doing.

 Need to delegate what I can to give responsibility and develop my staff. The 10 point plan acts as a useful guideline:
Identify the task – Decide what should be delegated – Identify the right person – Explain why you are delegating it to them – Specify the expected outcomes – Establish a target-completion date – Discuss how they may go about it – Identify the resources they will need – Decide how to monitor progress – Identify who else needs to be informed.

At the end of all this musing he quietly and confidently smiled to himself as he realised that he was already doing many of these things and that concentrating on any one or two would make a difference. Now he thought, ‘Where shall I start?’

There are many models of how assertiveness works.

Until I began To grapple with the concept of win:win , I always found
myself in something of a moral dilemma in balancing the concepts of
assertion with the notion of caring for others.

Indeed, often the common image of assertion is one of the down trodden individual suddenly finding the courage and the confidence, the tools and the techniques to stand up for themselves, kick the sand back into the bullies eyes and march triumphantly into an ever glowing sunset.
The assertive person has now found the ways and means to get exactly what they want probably at the expense of others.

A life time’s experience of running assertiveness programmes in the UK, Scandinavia, Europe and the old Soviet block shows that often people are “sent” on assertiveness programmes so that they can kick the sand back into the bullies eyes as long as the bully is not the boss.

Assertion is a way of influencing people and situations and in order to influence others you need first to influence yourself; in order to be kind to others you need to learn to be kind to yourself; to learn to forgive others you need to learn to forgive yourself and so on.
In order to lead others you need to know how to lead yourself. Everything seems to start from within you.

I recall one programme I ran with a group of fire fighters. During one of the sessions I got into a discussion with a young fire fighter about influencing people, assertively, passively or aggressively and how he related to people.
He asked me, “what do you think is the first rule of fire-fighting?”
I thought for a moment and then rather unsurely replied, “Well, I guess it’s to save peoples’ lives and protect their property.”
“I can understand why you might think so”, he said, “but you’re wrong. The first rule that is drummed into you when you’re training is ‘save yourself first’.
While I was still mulling over these thoughts in my head, he continued, “How can you save others if you haven’t first saved yourself?”

Every time I fly the same message is repeated by the air steward who reminds me in case of emergency to put the oxygen mask on myself first and then go and help others.

Having talked about assertion here are some of our thoughts around defining assertive, aggressive and non assertive behaviour.

Assertion is about behaviour and not people. All of us behave in all three ways – in some situations we can behave aggressively or non-assertively – but that does not mean we are aggressive people or non-assertive people.

Assertive behaviour is when you stand up for your own rights in a way that does not violate the rights of others – ‘Rights’ are a key element of assertiveness. A Right is something to which you are justly entitled to and don’t have to ask somebody else permission to have.

Assertion leads to an honest, open and direct expression of your point of view which, at the same time, shows you understand the other person’s position.
It is based on the belief that you have needs to be met and so do others and
the most effective approach is to find a way in which both parties achieve sufficient of what they want – win:win.

Aggressive behaviour is when you stand up for your own rights in such a way that you ignore or dismiss the rights of another. You express your thoughts, feelings and views in unsuitable ways, even though you may honestly believe your views to be right.

Aggression enhances you at the expense of others and puts others down. It is based on the belief that your opinions are more important than those of others. It is characterised by blaming, by showing contempt, disregard, hostility, and by attacking or patronising others views and ideas.

Non-Assertive behaviour is when you don’t stand up for your rights or you stand up for them in such a way that you make it easy for others to ignore or over ride them. You express your thoughts, feelings & beliefs in often apologetic, cautious or self-effacing ways. You may fail to express your views or feelings altogether.

Non-Assertion is based on the belief that your own needs and wants are not as important as other people’s and that it will take too much unpleasantness and conflict to realise them. You can be apologetic and submissive in standing up for your needs and wants, or stand up them in a manipulative and less authentic way.
Typical of submissive behaviour are long, rambling, justifying explanations often putting ourselves down whilst attempting to accommodate the needs and views of others.

If you want to read more about our book visit: www.entitledtorespect.com
or purchase our book, Entitled to Respect – how to be confident and assertive in the workplace
If you’d like to conatct us by email or phone to discuss issues you think we can help with email on:
conrad.potts@btconnect.com or telephone 00 44 + (0)1903 778977

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.
The book wasn’t very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the “Touchstone”!

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.

So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles.

He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold – throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.

The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about mid afternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.

So it is with opportunity. Unless we are vigilant, it’s easy to fail to recognize an opportunity when it is in hand and it’s just as easy to throw it away.
Many years ago I spent a couple of years performing on stage. People would often comment that you had to be very confident to be able to do this.
My stock answer was that you didn’t necessarily need to be confident, however, you did have to be willing to feel uncomfortable.
Confidence can come form successfully surviving an uncomfortable task. In the years of working on clients’ confidence issues it is important (in my opinion) to stress that to feel confident you have to actually do something. It is often the case that some people wait until they feel confident before taking an action rather than having confidence from taking an action.
I wish that the following practical exercise was my own, but I owe this process to someone whose name sadly escapes me and he owes it to Jamie Smart of Salad.
I have been using this exercise and ones like it for a number of years with some of my shyer clients and those who have grasped the warm “touchstone” and acted rather than thought have reported enthusiastically that it has worked
1) Identify a few of the areas in your life where you hesitate and would like to just go for it.
2) Choose a situation where normally you would be quiet and reticent and say hello to at least three people you have never met. You need only say, “good morning/afternoon/evening and how are you” and then move on.
Or you can go into a shop, restaurant, petrol station) and make an absurd request (i.e. ask for something they definitely don’t sell) while keeping a straight face. Be polite, safe and non-threatening.
3) Repeat twice more in the course of a week.
4) Look forward to the situations where in the past you would have hesitated, and enjoy your new responses.
There is a range of response from bemused to very amused, but never frightened or hostile. The key is for you to be non-threatening and polite For those of you who are thinking this is pointless, foolish or humiliating – you probably need this more than most.
Why does this work?
Our central nervous system is set up to protect us from dangerous situations. Many of us have been heavily conditioned against making mistakes (by teachers, parents, peers etc.) and code mistakes as dangerous. Yet making mistakes is an incredibly important part of learning, growing and exploring. A willingness to make mistakes is an absolute must for anyone who wishes to become more confident.

Difficult conversations can be tough for all of us – in fact difficult situations are tough. Period.
Some of us spend our lives from facing up to them, preferring to walk on by, not get upset and then face the consequences. Others charge at the difficult conversations like a bull in a china shop, disregarding feelings, stoking up emotions and causing emotional collateral as far as the eye can see. And others seem to face up to them without histrionics and handle them well.

Here are a few tips that will help you when you next have to face up to difficult conversations about tough issues. You can read more about how to do this in Entitled to Respect, How to be assertive and confident in the workplace.

Thinking about the other party
o Listen. Make sure you get a clear understanding of the other person’s perspective

o Respect differences in views and values. Acknowledge the differences and look for the common ground or goal that you both want to achieve.

o Separate behaviour from personal dislike

What you say and how you say it
o Use open questions to control the conversation, seek solutions and provide you with thinking time

o Don’t defend. “Yes, but …” is likely to keep the difficulty going

o Stick with facts

o Use assertive “I” or “We” rather than potentially accusatory “You”

o Be aware of body language – yours and theirs. Explore, approach the situation in different ways, stay open. Aggressive or submissive body language will limit your options. That applies over the telephone too – your posture will affect how you sound.

o Pace the other person’s intensity, let them see and hear that you have understood what it’s like for them. That includes providing your version of a high energy response when you have someone irate yelling at you. Use some of their own ways of describing things. Pace, pace, pace – then lead them into finding solutions when they’ve vented.

Time & Place
o Chose when, where and who is included in the conversation

o If caught on an ad-hoc conversation– buy time: “Can I come back to you later?”, “Do you want a coffee?”, “I’d like to gather my thoughts on this before we speak”

Your focus
o Be clear on what you want to achieve. Be responsible for yourself – is getting angry or taking offense going to help you get what you want? If not, explore how you can stay capable and creative in the face of difficult situations.

o Decide on your strategy – avoid, accommodate, dictate, assert, compromise

o Believe there’s a win-win. If you assume there isn’t, you won’t look for it and your belief will become reality.

Few, if any of us live our lives without some major challenge, mishap, or disaster. Such events test who we are and in this crucible of fire we begin to understand a little bit more of what we are capable. The reactions are myriad. Some of us are crippled others defiant and others empowered and made anew.

Some folks’ lives roll easy as a breeze
Drifting through a summer night
Heading for a sunny day
But most folks’ lives, oh they stumble
Lord they fall
Through no fault of their own
Most folks never catch their stars

Words by Paul Simon.

A similar theme is portrayed by the story of the birth of a giraffe.

Bringing a giraffe into the world is a tall order. A baby giraffe falls 10 feet from its mother’s womb and usually lands on its back. Within seconds it rolls over and tucks its legs under its body. From this position it considers the world for the first time and shakes off the last vestiges of the birthing fluid from its eyes and ears. Then the mother giraffe rudely introduces its offspring to the reality of life.

In his book, A View from the Zoo, Gary Richmond describes how a newborn giraffe learns its first lesson.

The mother giraffe lowers her head long enough to take a quick look. Then she positions herself directly over her calf. She waits for about a minute, and then she does the most unreasonable thing. She swings her long, pendulous leg outward and kicks her baby, so that it is sent sprawling head over heels.

When it doesn’t get up, the violent process is repeated over and over again. The struggle to rise is momentous. As the baby calf grows tired, the mother kicks it again to stimulate its efforts. Finally, the calf stands for the first time on its wobbly legs.

Then the mother giraffe does the most remarkable thing. She kicks it off its feet again. Why? She wants it to remember how it got up. In the wild, baby giraffes must be able to get up as quickly as possible to stay with the herd, where there is safety. Lions, hyenas, leopards, and wild hunting dogs all enjoy young giraffes, and they’d get it too, if the mother didn’t teach her calf to get up quickly and get with it.

The late Irving Stone understood this. He spent a lifetime studying greatness, writing novelized biographies of such men as Michelangelo, Vincent van Gogh, Sigmund Freud, and Charles Darwin.

Stone was once asked if he had found a thread that runs through the lives of all these exceptional people. He said, “I write about people who sometime in their life have a vision or dream of something that should be accomplished and they go to work.

“They are beaten over the head, knocked down, vilified, and for years they get nowhere. But every time they’re knocked down they stand up. You cannot destroy these people. And at the end of their lives they’ve accomplished some modest part of what they set out to do.”

Remember: Life is not about how fast you run; nor how high you climb; but how well you bounce.

The average person spends approximately 70% of their time communicating with others

How we spend our time
 16% of it is spent reading
 9% writing in some manner
 Talking occupies 30% of our time
 Listening approximately 45% of our time

Attention!
 we speak at 150 words per minute
 we can process 600 words per minute
 The average student has an attention span of about 10 seconds
 Adults only slightly better at 17 seconds

Impact
 We listen with our eyes
 We receive 55% of the message from body language
 38% from the voice
 approximately 7% from the words

Laws of forgetting
 25% is forgotten immediately
 75% is forgotten within 2 months
 of the 25% remembered – only 60% will be accurate

Laws of remembering
 we remember best what we hear first and last
 we remember what we hear most frequently
 impact helps remembering
 unless the “right hemisphere of the brain is engaged there is little chance of information going into long term memory
 we remember that which we have the greatest application for